Former Stanford Freshman Dean, Julie Lythcott-Haims in her book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.” (Mike Johnson) tells us how freshman recruits lack independence; for instance – incapable of doing laundry. Perhaps this is a self-created problem as who has time to learn laundry details when you are building a resume for admission to Stanford-but I digress.  More importantly, she raises the issue of how much is the right amount for parents to intervene.  To be fair, it’s hard to watch your child struggle with everything from managing materials and time, preparing for tests or dealing with a peer conflict.  It’s tempting to want to swoop in to rescue the little ones from heartache and struggle, after all we are their parents!

Struggling Students: When to Intervene

Knowing when and how to intervene can be tricky.  Schools are sensitive to the parent-child relationship but also have a keen eye for those parents who are out to remove all obstacles from in front of their kids.  Educators actually have a name for it – the ‘snowplow parent’; plowing all of the problems out of the way. The temptation as parents to step in to remove obstacles so our children can succeed can appear like the right thing to do; but in truth, it’s a mirage, one that can actually be harmful.  There is no one-size fits all answer to the question of when to intervene as it depends on the circumstance, the age and stage of the child as well as his/her unique situation.  However, we have witnessed a trend over the last several years where it has become a popular belief that a parent’s responsibility is to step in to pave the way for success.   Similar to ‘everyone gets a trophy’.  When did struggle become something from which we needed protecting?

Grit: The Power of Passion & Perseverance

Angela Duckworth’s now famous Ted Talk – Grit: The Power of Passion & Perseverance explains the value of grit-building experiences and how it can shape our personality.  Perhaps your fondest memories are when you overcame a significant challenge, rose to the occasion or had to double down your efforts, just to stay afloat.  I can recall several instances that have shaped me as a young adult. Specifically, I almost failed out of college my first semester!  Lacking the study skills to succeed in college, put me at risk for returning home. However, I was motivated to stay there.  In truth, college was a LOT of fun! I cherished the independence and opportunity to grow into my own person.  To be able to STAY there, I had to figure out how to do so, and fast.  Setting a GPA goal helped me to remain focused, identify when I was off track and it encouraged me to seek study resources that worked for my learning profile. However, my experience of failure is relatable for many of our students. Now, on the other side of this difficult situation, I have come to respect difficulty as it was formative to shaping me into the person I am today.

Mindset: the New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

Carol Dweck’s work in Mindset: the New Psychology of Success, explains that a growth mindset is the belief that a person’s abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and learning.  Dweck goes on to say, and her research shows, that people with a growth mindset tend to achieve more than those with a fixed mindset. If effort and learning are key to developing intelligence and if we, as parents step in to remove obstacles, are we not stealing a learning opportunity from our own children? Artificially creating dependence, learned helplessness or perhaps stunting the growth of their intelligence?  This is the exact opposite of what we’re seeking to achieve.

In the 2024 college world series, the Texas A&M baseball team can be heard saying “GOOD!” when something went wrong.  This concept has been widely popularized by Jocko Willink.   He says ‘when things are going bad, there is something good we can learn from it’.  If we shelter our kids from adversity, how can they learn?

If these are both true, what is our role as parents?

In a world where student competition can be fierce and we want to give our kids every advantage, we have to ask ourselves, is our intervention really helping? Are our kids growing or are we creating the illusion they’re independent when they really aren’t?   If a student gets into a competitive school, does he/she have the skills to stay there, compete and succeed on their own?  How involved are we as parents with their teachers, coaches, dare I say, even their bosses in a work environment?  Are we managing their calendars for them or are they being given space to do it – even if it means they may make a mistake and miss an appointment?  Do we really want a doctor or lawyer who can’t problem solve on their own? There is no substitute for practical experience; our kids must practice building these skills on their own.

Possible Signs of the Need for a Growth Mindset

How do we know if our students need support building resilience?  We may hear them say some of the things below or observe the following:

• I can’t do it
• I’ve tried before and it doesn’t work
• I don’t want to make a mistake – I’ll be embarrassed.
• I’ll get to it later
• No matter how hard I try, I am not good at __________
• You (Sally/Pete/Jim) are better at it than I am so why should I try?
• Easily frustrated
• Easily gives up
• Fear of Failure
• It’s not fair
• Perfectionism

Creating a Family Culture of Growth – Engaging our kids in a Growth Mindset

I heard that Sara Blakely’s father regularly encouraged her to fail.  What?! That seems counterintuitive.  However, considering this suggestion in light of Dweck’s and Duckworth’s work, it starts to make sense.  Trials and errors create a cycle of feedback, informing the actor what worked and didn’t work, also known as learning.  This exercise also requires effort thus building resilience and perseverance.  Maybe Sara’s dad was ahead of his time? Or maybe we’ve erred too far from letting our kids figure things out on their own and moved toward figuring out everything out for them.

How do we engage our kids in growth mindset dialogue? Start by being relatable.  Share examples of a challenge you as a parent are currently facing and explain how you’re trying to solve it.  Kids are thrilled when they see adults still learning, trying new things as well as finding humor in ourselves (even shortcomings).  Exchanging progress with your own personal goals informs our kids that we have plans, intentions and are willing to push ourselves to grow.  It may come as a surprise to them that we aren’t perfect.  Setting an example of being willing to try something new and potentially fail, makes us relatable as parents.

Developing Good Habits

When a student practices good habits, skills develop.  When a student avoids practicing good habits or let’s someone do it form them, the opposite occurs and skills are not developed.  Avoiding difficult tasks is also known as “task avoidance”. Trying new things or risking failure may require more structure and positive reinforcement to engage the student to practice.  This is where an Academic Coach can be helpful. An academic coach can come alongside a student to provide opportunities for practice, making space for necessary adjustments to learn from setbacks in a non-judgemental way.    

Practice of good habits, sharing examples of how we persevere when faced with hard things as adults and encouraging our kids to do the same can be an encouragement to our kids. Consistent practice builds proficiency when incorporating a framework for safe feedback and adjustments.  

Be encouraging when your student encounters a setback.  Ask them what they can learn from the situation or maybe what they might do differently next time.  Their answers may not be precise or what you expect the first time but with practice and reflection you might be surprised that your student knows what he or she should do and are working up the courage or motivation to do it.  You might even take a risk and say ‘GOOD!’ thereby surprising them!  If you are getting push back on requiring the practice of good skills, popularize the effort, rather than the outcome.  Failure is a natural part of learning, an essential one at that. Reinforcing  continued effort encourages them to keep going. The construction of grit requires the struggle.  Let it happen.