Communicating with Your Student About School
Parents invest significant resources in their children’s education with the expectation that it will prepare students for their future. We hope students embrace education and its inherent value, but that is not always the case. Students will at times struggle which is part of learning. When a student has ADHD or challenges with executive functions, it can be even more difficult.
Naturally, parents lean in to help their student but that does not always go as planned. Students can struggle with emotional regulation, time management and task perseverance leaving parents frustrated. If skill deficits are left unaddressed, the communication between parents and students can deteriorate and tensions rise. So how can parents use an academic coach and reverse improve communication about academics?
During adolescence, specifically middle and high school, students crave independence and want to be self reliant. This is good! When we see them struggle, allowing them to have the space to figure it out or a way to communicate about school can help. Here are a few tips and tricks to improve conversations about school.
Suggestion #1
Schedule a designated time during the week to have a meeting about academics. Limit the time to no more than 20 minutes. Imagine having a meeting with your boss every time he/she sees you coming down the hall at the office only to be reminded of the deal you lost? This is how kids feel when they’re asked constantly if they’ve turned in an assignment, how they did on a test or whether they’re studying every available moment.
Respecting a student’s time and space to work on their responsibilities and supporting them like we would an adult or peer makes an impact. When students are in middle school, the tone of conversations can and should change as it models to them how to communicate, be held responsible and meet ever rising expectations.
Suggestion #2
Ask predictable but open ended questions. Rather than, “ did you turn in all of your work this week?” Try:
- “How’s it going, completing and turning in your work?” Is it getting any easier?” This is about the student, not his/her performance.
- Are you pleased with the outcome of your academics this week?
- What resources did you use? Were they helpful?
- If you had to go back and do it again, what would you do differently?
- Did you learn anything about yourself?
- How can I support you this weekend and next week?
- How would you like to be held accountable?
Be willing to offer for your student to hold you accountable for something you’re working to improve. This models that accountability is expected and not frightening. If students have a processing delay or feel anxious about being put on the spot, give them the questions in writing prior to the meeting so they can prepare what they want to say. Generally students are more apt to share when they have a chance to think about their responses and reflect.
Suggestion #3
Remain emotionally neutral and supportive. Wow – this can be difficult when students disappoint us, become defensive or seem unaware. However, delivering difficult information is part of what we do as adults. Teaching kids that sharing tough information is ok, and we as adults can be trusted.
Suggestion #4
Share concerns with your coach that you would like to have addressed with your student. Parent/child relationships can be emotional but students can be calmer with coaches, especially when things are tough. Coaches take time to build strong relationships with students so they can have the tough conversations when needed. . Good academic coaches will see a myriad of student experiences and be able to sympathize with their situation and hopefully guide students to better habits, skills and even acceptance. Use your coach to foster communication, letting your student practice how to share information with you. Over time and with practice, your student will build the confidence and competence they need to thrive.
At Effective Students, our goal is to support student development of executive function skills and the parent child relationship as that process unfolds.