Parenting can be joyous — and it can be frustrating. Nothing prepares parents for the highs and lows of raising children: Parents celebrate their first major life events, help them through social situations, and navigate the lows of sleepless nights, broken friendships, learning differences, or the consequences of bad choices.  

As a parent (specifically in the United States), I was not prepared for the pendulum of emotions at every age and stage of their development. Plenty of experts have written about the developmental stages of childhood and the role of parents in each one. In this post, I do not purport to be an expert of having done everything right when raising my boys. On the contrary, I have learned by experience which includes countless parenting mistakes. Seeking guidance from trusted individuals had some positive side effects: it increased my awareness of my own feelings, improved my perspective of my kids, and contributed to reducing anxiety in my parenting journey. Below, I share some thoughts as I look back at the struggles we encountered and those I see as common for parents in our coaching practice. These thoughts are for your consideration in relation to what you may be experiencing with your children today. 

It’s time for parents to name emotions in their relationships with young people

Life goes quickly. Each day can be a whirlwind of getting out the door, making sure everyone is prepared for the day with what they need. The more people getting out the door increases the chances of feeling anxious exponentially. If you have a team member with ADHD, can even be more difficult.  Life is often so busy that it’s hard to remember to pause and reflect on our own emotions. If circumstances are heated with one of our kids, or if either one has had an outburst or is about to, pause to ask,  “what am I feeling?”  and then name that emotion. The following is just a brief list of the kinds of emotions may come up for our children or ourselves.

Frustrated 

Perhaps your child has not heeded your advice for the 110th time or stopped gaming to prepare for dinner or cleaned his or her room.  Perhaps you’re tired of repeating yourself to get your child to follow through. Maybe you’re tasked with making dinner and helping with homework and your child will only work when you’re sitting adjacent to you or your teen is on their phone instead of doing homework. 

Acknowledging what is happening in the situation to yourself or to someone else, is the first step to equipping your team for change. Maybe it’s as easy as saying 1) this is not working and 2) how do I feel about these situations.  

Anxious, worried, afraid

The rise in generalized anxiety disorder, or other types of anxiety disorders in our children since 2010 is now being more understood and is recently well documented in the book The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt.  But what about the rise in anxiety in parents? In a 2019 study, it was identified that when parents have an anxiety disorder, it is more likely that children have anxiety. However, “Parent anxiety disorders pose specific risks of anxiety disorders to offspring… These results support the potential for targeted prevention of anxiety disorders.”  Outcomes of anxiety disorders include issues with health conditions related to digestion, insomnia, chronic pain, our patience, and substance misuse. So how do we prevent potential anxiety panic disorders, or panic attacks in our children?  

It’s easy to underestimate the environmental impact our presence has as our families’ leaders. It’s been said our kids do what we do rather than do what we say.  When we fly on an airplane, the safety instructions remind us to put our oxygen masks on first. A parent may not know they have anxiety until they have an experience without it.  If a parent has experienced trauma with their child or chronic stress associated with parenting, finances or home life, they are at a higher risk for developing anxiety. It’s easy to become so accustomed to having anxiety present, we don’t even realize it’s there.  

We see parents increasingly concerned about raising their kids. Here are a few tips on managing our own anxiety as parents: 

• Plan ahead
• Exercise
• Mindfulness (being aware or noticing)
• Breathing — 4/7/8 is one of our favorite techniques
• Practice coping skills 
• Support system

Angry

This is a big feeling and sometimes it’s difficult to keep it in check. Perhaps our child has made a poor choice that has a financial impact on us when money is already stretched thin, or directly disobeyed, broken a rule or missed a curfew. As parents, anger is real, especially when our kids push limits. Being angry and responding in anger are two different things. Again – name it, even if we just say to ourselves, “Wow, I am really angry about _______”.  Understanding and acknowledging our own anger as parents can provide interim relief and prevent us from taking our anger out on our kids

Once someone acknowledges how they feel, they are in a better position to consider appropriate responses to the situation. Maybe it’s not discussing the circumstances for 24 hours to allow for a cooling off period or asking a neutral third party to help us discuss the situation with our kid to facilitate perspective taking. Parents can buy themselves some time to consider the best course of action rather than reacting immediately to their child’s mistake.  Silence can send a message that is often more impactful than yelling. 

Overwhelmed

Keeping up with our kids today is a full-time job. If you’re a working parent, you now have two jobs! If you combine trying to meet our own needs with the efforts parents make today to do the right thing nutritionally, educationally by their kids, it’s overwhelming. Being under chronic stress depletes our batteries as parents and can lead to a short fuse.  

Reducing expectations on ourselves as parents can lower the temperature. Maybe dinner is perfect or maybe perfect is a frozen pizza. Maybe a walk or quiet moment during the afternoon replenishes us to give more to our kids at the end of the day. If we lead by example by taking a moment to recharge, we are showing our kids that self-care matters. I am frequently tempted by FOMO, but saying no to an invitation can be what we need to pace ourselves with the demands of the day. Avoid making decisions or delivering consequences when we’re tired and our kids are tired. Avoiding hangry with good snacks whenever possible – granola bars, PB&J and extra water in the car go a long way.  

 

Kids today look grown, but they are not grown

The older our kids are, the more they appear to be capable. Either by their sheer size, their communication skills, or the fact that they are driving, it’s easy to assume they can do more than they can. Executive function skills develop between the ages of 13-25. If you’re frustrated with something your child is doing or rather, not doing, or become surprised when they do not ‘act their age’ remember that their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that manages executive functions, is under construction. Years ago, we used to call this adolescence but today, we understand that kids are learning to plan and prioritize, manage their time, reflect on their performance all while being emotionally well-regulated. In truth, the construction of these skills takes time and lots of practice.   

Many religious traditions mark the transition to adulthood at 12-13 years old. Whether one subscribes to a particular faith, it’s an interesting and common marker of a shift in expectations of our developing young adults at about that age.The onset of middle school is when we see students having to change classes, meet expectations of multiple teachers and keep track of their materials with increased complexity.  This is often when an ‘opportunity’ to develop executive functioning skills is exposed.  

In high school, the stakes are even higher with dating, driving, and the pressures of learning new academic material daily. It’s easy to underestimate the magnitude of input our kids receive on a daily basis. Just thinking about it makes me overwhelmed. It’s no wonder they come home cranky and tired. The more exhausted they are, the easier it is for them to make poor decisions. In fact, decision fatigue in kids and adults is a real dilemma. (Additionally, it’s often physical symptoms, if left unaddressed, that can contribute to mental health conditions or struggles with mental illness. The side effects of neglecting one or the other are varied and complex.)

Helping kids understand how and when they make decisions can help but also reminding ourselves as parents that our role as guides continues to be important even if it looks different in high school or college, than when they were in grade school.  

Communication

One of the most obvious challenges associated with parenting is communication with our children and how it changes over time.  When children are young, we expect them to follow our instructions. We are in the role of ‘instructor’.  We set the rules, we determine the timelines and expectations and they are expected to follow through.  

A student’s transition to adulthood is a good time for parents to become a guide, rather than instructor but navigating this transition time can be tricky. Should we say more or say less?  What if we see something that our kids do not?  How and when should we bring it to their attention and equip them with the information to make a good decision.  When should a parent lean in, how much should we say versus ask questions?   

Tension arises when parents continue to be the instructor but as their children go through middle and high school, they tend to listen less and less, creating frustration for parents and young adults alike. Consider talking to kids just like we do adults, respectfully, calmly, and deliberately.  

Creating space for emotions and emotional awareness

All meaningful conversations require the time and space to occur. Perhaps it is at the dinner table or Saturday morning over pancakes. Maybe taking a drive, going fishing or stopping by for a mani/pedi. I learned long ago that big conversations happen over meals. One of our traditions is Waffle House. Some of the best discussions happen over scattered smothered and covered accompanied by a waffle. At first my kids thought it was just for fun but slowly I’d pull out my notebook where I’d listed thoughts and they realized it was one of ‘those meetings’.  If it was really serious or a significant consequence was going to unfold, we might visit a nicer restaurant where manners were expected.  

Holding a meeting   

Showing kids how to have difficult conversations is a critical component of self agency and self advocacy.  Business meetings are part of life from closing on your first house, negotiating when purchasing a car or speaking to a boss about a concern at work. Learning how to participate in meetings takes practice and can be an effective way to resolve differences, raise concerns and discuss difficult things.  

Kids (and adults) usually respond better when given time to prepare for a conversation. For years, I didn’t realize that timing and notice were important components of preparing for a successful conversation. If we raise concerns with our kids continually, they learn to dread engaging with us, waiting for the next criticism or suggestion. By intentionally setting up a time for a meeting, kids and adults have an opportunity to prepare their thoughts and emotions and discuss problems in such a way to achieve more productive outcomes. A good rule of thumb is 24 hours; such as,“When you come home tomorrow afternoon, I’d like to sit down and discuss ___________.”    

Meetings are where grievances and concerns are aired, meaningful conversation can occur and agreement can be reached.  

Request a facilitator to help name emotions

At times, tensions are so high that meaningful conversation cannot or does not occur without support.  A coach can be the person to help facilitate a discussion between parents and students in a safe and emotionally neutral manner. 

In one scenario, a college student who was continually struggling and at home for the semester had just had a car accident and came in with his parents.  Everyone was at their wits end and tensions were at an all-time high. Rather than jumping into the conversation, each person took a moment and wrote down their fears and what they wanted for the college student (he did this as well).  It gave the room time to de-escalate and each person could get their feelings out on paper without being interrupted. This technique is also found in Flooded by Allison Edwards, who as a school counselor discusses ways to help kids process emotions, particularly when they are overwhelmed or flooded. As it turns out, both parents and the student had the same fears and goals for the young man. This exercise reminded the family they were all on the same team with the same goals which enabled the conversation to turn to problem solving as a group to support the young man.  

A coach can be in a unique position to support the parent and the student to have a healthier relationship. Coaches understand the powerful and critical role of parents but can also see from the students’ perspective and help each party understand the other.  

   

It’s time for parents and kids to come to terms   

Parenting the child in front of us requires patience and perspective. It can be challenging at times particularly if your child is struggling, resistant to help or not meeting our expectations. It’s helpful for us as parents to reflect on our journey to adulthood to recall the times we fell short or learned by making mistakes. How would we have wanted to be talked to about what happened?  

It is normal for parents and kids alike to have an emotional response to a mistake but let’s not let our emotions cloud our relationships with our kids. Perhaps the learning is not just about the mistake or what happens thereafter, maybe we can show kids what it means to have difficult conversations, negotiate and be heard, and even reach a compromise or come to terms when needed.  

People, both adults and kids, are more apt to accept outcomes when they contribute to the decision in the process. We’ve all served on a committee where a person has stepped outside the bounds or been in a business setting when an individual has made a mistake.  How did we treat that person who is our peer?  

Not long ago, I spoke with a parent whose child was not meeting expectations, which is common in our business. In the end, we realized that connecting with the teen as we would a fellow committee member or business associate showing respect and consideration, was an effective way to lead them to an implementable solution.  

What kind of relationship do we want to have with our kids as they become adults? Personally, I would like an invite for holidays, to be a trusted and reliable resource, and be invited to have a seat at their table. That has to be earned — not by what I provide but by how I parent. That doesn’t mean settling with low expectations but rather encouraging them to look at their shortcomings and find a way to improve, which demonstrates a growth mindset and that we are all, in fact, growing.